Sometimes, parenting brings back surprising memories. Fairly recently, as Maura and I helped some of our kids work through their feelings about friendship and related issues, I found myself thinking about how much I struggled with the idea of belonging as a teenager. I remember being at gatherings with my family’s extended circle of friends, a fairly tight-knit homeschooling group, and feeling like a total outcast. While these were folks I saw frequently, I didn’t feel like I belonged, or that I mattered. I would flit from one group of kids with some jealousy or envy about those who seemed to belong. There was the musical group, gathered around a piano or some guitars or both, talking and playing. Then there was the artistic group, drawing and critiquing one another’s work. And then there was the athletic pair, always passing a soccer ball. And then there was me. Sure, I could hang out briefly with any of the groups and chat, but I didn’t belong. I didn’t practice enough to really belong as part of the musical or the soccer group, and I was too clumsy to be that good at either anyway. And I didn’t have the least artistic ability, nor did I practice there either. So I was stuck on the outside. It probably didn’t help that I was a shy introvert; I would never be one of the cool kids, I felt.

I wanted to belong, and to fit in, so much that I remember being willing to make deep, profound adjustments to who I “was” and how I acted to try and better fit in. If a group of my friends was sarcastic, I’d try to be sarcastic. If a group made cutting remarks about others, I’d try to make cutting remarks. Probably this is a normal part of the teenage experience, but in hindsight it was terrible – I was ready to give up all thought of who I was, or who I ought to be, if only I could find the right way to be in order to belong to one of these groups.

Part of what was so compelling about these recollections – and the very specific memories, longings, and emotions I remember having at the time – was that, as I remembered those situations and emotions, I realized those are memories of someone I once was; memories of a nearly-forgotten past. I no longer have that same deep hunger to belong and to feel like I matter, that I’m part of a group, or one of the cool kids. Somewhere along the way, my thirst to belong was satisfied. I know I belong now, and it doesn’t depend on recognition from the right group of people. I’ve largely given up trying to find the “right” way to be to “fit” with any group of people I might want to be part of. This has brought a great deal of freedom. But how did this happen?

As I looked back, wondering what changed in my attitude and view that freed me from my desperate need to belong, I realized that it was probably partly due to several things. For one, I finished growing into adulthood, which certainly played a role. But, probably more importantly, I turned to Christ for salvation, and the Bible for truth, and the Bible has a great deal to say about why I’m here and whether I belong. It’s what the Bible says about who I am which provides my “belonging”. For example, 1 Corinthians 12 explains how the church is a spiritual body consisting of many diverse members, all according to God’s plan. It notes (v14-18):

For the body is not one member, but many. If the foot says, “Because I am not a hand, I am not a part of the body,” it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body. And if the ear says, “Because I am not an eye, I am not a part of the body,” it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired.

In other words, the members of the church body might very well feel from time to time that they don’t belong, or that they are not part of the body. And, indeed, they might be able to come up with ample evidence for it, because they’re different. A foot will never be an eye, so if the foot is saying, “I’ll belong once I’m like that eye…” the foot may never feel like it belongs. But, this diversity is part of God’s plan. “God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired…” it tells us. God has ordained it exactly the way he wants it. I belong, not because I match the other members of the body, nor even because I feel like I belong, but if I’m a Christian, I belong in God’s church because that’s where God has placed me. Even more than placing me there, God has made me an important part of his church. He’s made me belong. I belong to him, and I belong as a part of his church.

The same idea of a diverse group of people united in a single purpose shows up in the description of the church in Romans 12:4-6:

For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly…

Again, all believers are members of the church, this “one body” and yet we have diverse functions; our gifts differ. For Christians, belonging comes from WHO we belong to – our Lord Jesus Christ, and we are all his people – and from WHAT we belong to – his church. We’re made members of God’s church, his body, by virtue of being believers. It doesn’t depend on how we feel about it, but God’s own work. He has made us part of his church. This “making” is both once-for-all and ongoing, like so many other things in the Christian life. The moment we become believers, we are adopted into his family and made part of the universal church, as a once-for-all action. However, our process of actually integrating into that church and learning to play the role he has for us is one which requires sustained effort and growth in holiness.

But back to belonging: Eph. 2:11-22 draws a wonderful picture of the belonging which became mine when I turned to Christ. In part, it says:

…remember that you were at that time separate from Christ, excluded from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For He Himself is our peace… And He came and preached peace to you who were far away, and peace to those who were near; for through Him we both have our access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and are of God’s household, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the corner stone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, is growing into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you also are being built together into a dwelling of God in the Spirit.

Just as this passage says, formerly I was without God – indeed, we all were. Worse than that, I was his enemy, excluded from every future good thing, “without hope and without God in the world…” But through Jesus Christ, I have “been brought near” and offered peace – the peace I so longed for and sought to find in belonging to the right group of friends. I now have that – a peace which can only be found from God through Jesus Christ, not in any group of friends. And through Christ I, we, also have access to God. More than that, he makes us “fellow citizens” with the other believers, members together of God’s household. We’re part of this one united family of God. Thus, in Christ I not only gained the peace I lacked – but real, true belonging as part of a community, the people of God! I belong – not because I do the right things and fit in with the right people, but because God has already done right through Christ and provided salvation for me so I can be adopted into his family, not because I deserve adoption (I don’t!) but because Christ deserves every good thing.

Just before that passage is a very famous one, Eph. 2:1-10, dealing with how our salvation is accomplished through Christ alone, even while we were dead in sins. It concludes in v10:

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

Even this speaks to the idea of belonging: God has already prepared good works for each of us, specifically, to do. I belong as part of God’s church, and I’m here because I have work assigned to me by God, work he prepared for me to do. The apostle Paul echoes this in Phil. 1:21-26 when he talks about how he desires to depart and be with Christ –but he is also glad to remain laboring with the Philippian church for their benefit, saying “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

This, then, provided the final answer to my search for belonging. As a Christian, I belong to Christ. I belong not because I always feel like I belong, nor because I’ve done the right things to fit in with the right group of people, nor because I’ve found a group of people who are just like me. Rather, I belong because God has redeemed me for himself with the precious blood of Christ (1 Peter 1:18-19) by his great mercy and grace. I belong because he declares I belong, and he makes me belong. He is working to shape me into his image, and I am here because he yet has work for me to do. That provides the final answer to all my questions and longings - I’m his, and that is enough.